I can't sleep. Spencer is fast asleep in our bed. I WANT to be asleep next to him. I snuggled up to him hoping his rhythmic breathing would lull me to sleep. It didn't work. My mind and body are totally active right now. Yet as I lay listening to Spencer breath I was overcome by how much I love him! I thought writing was a better alternative than lying in the dark, listening to him breath and risk waking him.
I love Spencer. I can't believe how much I love Spencer. I didn't think it was possible to love someone so much. I love my parents and my family very much but the feelings I have for my husband eclipse any previous love I had for everyone else. He is the most important thing in my life. I try so hard to make his life better. Loving him is the strongest emotion I've ever felt. It has changed me for the better.
I've known Spencer for years now and in a wide spectrum of situations. Sometimes when I think back on past memories of him I superimpose my current feelings of love on my previous self. Its like his influence on my present and future is so comforting that I wish desperately it were possible to extend his presence backward into my past too. As if their were some kind of magical way to recreate old memories using current emotion and wisdom. I guess what I really wish is that I could go back to my past self and slap myself hard or somehow convince my younger naive self to fall in love with Spencer 4 years sooner. I could have avoided so much pain in my life. Sigh. Sometimes when I'm talking to Spencer I think back to past situations where we did some kind of activity usually hiking or haning out with mission friends. I ask him "Did you love me then too>" he always says yes. sigh. He realized that we were a match way before I caught on.
Mostly I'm just blissfully happy to be married to Spencer and share his life with him. Getting and being married to Spencer has been the best part of my entire life. I remember being engaged and wanting to spend every waking and sleeping moment next to each other. I remember feeling that while we were engaged we just couldn't get close enough both mentally or physically. I remember the first few hours after the wedding. I really did feel like we were joined together forever. We couldn't stop smiling. We couldn't stop jumping up and down. It was wonderful.
Now a year later we are even better. I love Spencer even more than I did on our Wedding day. My Grandfather told me that the longer you are married the more you love each other. He also said that the 64th year of Marriage is the best. Even hearing that it happened I couldn't have prepared myself for the way love increases exponentially as time goes on. Spencer is my best friend. I am better for knowing him and even better for loving him. I am the luckiest girl in the world to be married to him.
I know it wont always be easy. Marriage requires consistent consensus from two very individual perspectives. I am comforted that we are building the right tools to weather any storms that may arise. I expect that each year will get better. If we make it to the 64th year of marriage we will be 92 years old. If I am still blogging then I will let you know if my Grandfather was right and that 64th really is the best.