Saturday, September 6, 2008

First Week Picks...Mascot pecking order strategy

I married Spencer last summer. Last Fall he commandeered the kitchen white board and started writing lists of sports teams on the board. These were "picks." I said something very naive like "You mean you know who wins and loses on every game?"
I don't remember what Spencer said. I think he just looked at me with a blank stare. Then managed a
"Yeah duh" (He would never actually say duh it was just slightly implied in his tone.)
I had NO idea. But after a few weeks of lists it looked like Spencer was having fun with out me. I HATE being left out on anything fun so I decided to make my own picks.

In the beginning I had NO idea what I was doing. I just picked randomly. Eventually I began developing my own strategies. Like if the mascot of one team could kill the mascot of the other team I would pick the stronger mascot. For example; an Eagle could kill a Raven so I'd pick Eagles. A Jaguar could take a Panther so obviously I would go with Jacksonville. A Giant could take a Cowboy etc. Sometimes it worked...sometimes it didn't.

Oftentimes this method of picking gets really complex. For example a Bangal Tiger could kill an Eagle in theory, however it isn't likely to have the chance as Eagles can fly and Tigers can't. So if a Tiger and and Eagle are together it most likely means that the Tiger was killed by some other top of the food chain and the Eagle is eating the carcass. Therefore I would pick the Eagle over the Bangal Tiger.

If I wasn't sure what mascot would win against each other like the Patriots and the Packers (what the h@$l are packers anyway?) So I pick my favorite color of the two. Green. Skeptics scoff at my methods of making picks however last season I did really well. I beat my husband the NFL uber-nerd THREE weeks in a row. It was awesome.

As time went on I relied on my mascot pecking order strategy less and less. I eventually learned what teams won and which didn't, which teams where injured, which teams cheated, which teams had the most excited looking fans (packers) and the most skantily clad cheerleaders (cowboys.) Picking became easier as time when on.

First Week Picks.

So with that being said here are my picks for Week One. If you are interested in seeing what the NFL uber-nerd picked you can click here.

Redskins @ Giants

Okay I remember that the Giants won the Superbowl last year so this one was a no-brainier. I picked the Giants.

Lions @ Falcons

I have to go with my "Strongest Mascot" strategy on this one. I pick Falcons. I know it would seem that a Lion could kill a Falcon HOWEVER Falcons can fly. So if the Lion and the Falcon are in close proximity it means that the lion is dead and the falcon is picking at its remains.

Bengals @ Ravens

I went with the Bangles on this one. I know that I usually have the birds of prey feasting on the large omnivores HOWEVER in this case I chose the Bengals because I believe they can work it with their tiger striped helmets. Those are HOT.

Seahawks @ Bills

Even 52 seahawks working together couldn't really do much against a mighty buffalo. Not that a buffalo would really have the ability to kill a seahawks either. This game won't be much competition either way. But just to be on the safe side I choose the massive Buffalo against the tiny birdies.

Jets @ Dolphins

I didn't need my Mascot strategy for this one. I remember that the Dolphins were the worst team in the NFL last year so naturally I chose the Jets.

Chiefs @ Patriots

Who could ignore the Patriots almost perfect season last year. This will be an easy win for the lying cheating Patriots. I hope the Cheifs do the rest of the NFL teams a favor and higher a sniper to take out the Patriots camera man.

Bucs @ Saints

I think the most important player in this game is Hurricane Gustav. Good luck Saints, but I'm going to have to go with the Bucs on this one. You guys are permanently on the road.

Rams @ Eagles

Last week in Jackson Hole Wyoming a Ranger explained how Eagles will dive bomb Rams (and other mountain sheep) on the edges of cliffs sending them to their deaths thousands of feet below. Yep that is right. I picked the Eagles to win.

Texans @ Steelers

Texans may talk big but the real Texas team is the cowboys. I think their opponents will steel the win from them in the last quarter.

Jags @ Titans

Even the Greek Gods could defeat the Titans. The Jags will do just fine.

Cowboys @ Browns

The Cowboys win this one hands down. They have three things going for them. Tony, Texas Pride and Jessica Simpson's Double D's. Don't mess with Texas.

Panthers @ Chargers

No mascot theory for this one. As long as the Chargers have LaDainian Tomlinson they will be wining for a while. Philip Rivers is too mouthy for my taste so I would hope that Panthers prevail.

Cardinals @ Niners

I'm not predicting this one to be a good game. The Niners haven't been good since Steve Young. As for the Cardinals the supposed QB all star party boy didn't even make it off the bench. What a loser, and a sore one at that.

Bears @ Colts

I think I remember the Bears being in or getting near to the Superbowl the year before I got into Football but they are nothing against my 2nd favorite QB Mr. Payton Manning. What a guy. He is sure to put those bears in their place.

Vikings @ Packers

The Exodus of Farve from Green Bay proved a few things. 1. That Brett is a Drama Queen in the biggest of ways. "I'm retired. I'm not retired. I'm retired" Its like he's pulling petals off of a daisy. 2. That there is such thing as too much of a good thing. No doubting that Brett was a good thing. 3. Packer fans are loyal to the team not the players. If I were Aaron Rodgers I'd hate Brett's guts. As it is Rogers played really well last time Favre got a hang nail. I am excited to see how far he can go. I vote Packers pull off a close win.

Denver Broncos @ raiders

Naturally I am going to pick the Broncos. The Broncos vs. Raiders game is like a religious ceremony in our house hold. Those Raiders don't stand a chance with Spencer and I cheering them on. Go Broncos.


Evenstar said...

But what about BYU vs. the U? }:-)

footballcrucible said...

Yes Joanie its funny and amusing.

The uber nerd

Kristin said...

What has the world coming to... honestly I don't know what's next... what could possibly compare with the opera singer turned NFL comintator. wow.

The Kyles said...

very funny. If I ever have to pick football teams, the mascot pecking order seems like a completely logical method... for a singer.

Kevin & Chelsey Christensen said...

Wow, you have really learned a lot about the NFL. I feel lucky that Kevin doesn't care too much about pro football, instead I am going to freeze my but off at the University of Utah games.

Grace Rich said...

I really like your picking method, I mean really, that's what it should come down to anyway, right? mascots and cheerleaders? that's why the boys watch it anyway.